You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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