The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just had sex on a roof
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
