This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
