I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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