i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
