I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize