He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I stole a fireplace last night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
