"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
