saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
