just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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