You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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