Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
