She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
