I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
