I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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