when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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