I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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