You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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