life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
