Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
