dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
