just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
