Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
