can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
