I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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