There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There r osticjed everywhere
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
