OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
