so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
