the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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