i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
