the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
