I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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