at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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