At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
