i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
two words: eviction party
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
