Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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