Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
