I haven't been this sober since birth.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
