My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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