i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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