Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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