were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
