I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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