He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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