Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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