i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
