I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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