I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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