i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
