Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
