I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
