I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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