she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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