just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
